Still a better love story than Warm Bodies
FADE IN: EXT. DESERTED ISLAND We open on a DESERTED ISLAND where PAUL DANO is alone and about to hang himself. PAUL DANO I'm so sad and alone, just your typical depressed loner that will experience an emotional journey. Feel free to relate. Suddenly, a DEAD BODY/FIGMENT OF HIS IMAGINATION named DANIEL RADCLIFFE washes up on the beach. PAUL DANO (shocked) Could this be? A solution to my inescapable dilemma? DANIEL RADCLIFFE (farts) PAUL DANO Welp, that was pretty funny, not much chance of seeing that again. PAUL DANO ties a rope to DANIEL RADCLIFFE and rides him like a flatulence powered jetski through the water. But is it REALLY HAPPENING? Who can say? Clearly, ART has no satisfying explanation. INT. CAVE PAUL DANO drags DANIEL RADCLIFFE inside to take shelter from the rain. PAUL DANO Huh, a phone. How did that not get completely destroyed by the ocean hopping we just did? We literally crossed an ocean to get here. What is it, a Nokia? PAUL DANO opens the phone to find a creepy pic of MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD. PAUL DANO My mom used to sing me this song every night but I somehow don't know the words. Being stuck on an island does shit to you you could not believe. PAUL DANO starts to sing a depressed lullabye and DANIEL RADCLIFFE stays still, unnerved by his demented wails of poor songwriting. To break the awkward tension, DANIEL RADCLIFFE releases a geyser of ocean water into PAUL DANO's face with the force of the mighty ocean tides. PAUL DANO This is amazing, it seems like every feasable problem I could face will simply be solved by you! DANIEL RADCLIFFE Yep! No survival challenges at all! PAUL DANO You can talk! Corpse, you've got yourself a friend in me. Warm fuzzies are exchanged.