Swiss Army Man: The Abridged Script

Still a better love story than Warm Bodies


FADE IN:

EXT.  DESERTED ISLAND
               We open on a DESERTED ISLAND where PAUL
               DANO is alone and about to hang himself.  

                               PAUL DANO
               I'm so sad and alone, just your typical
               depressed loner that will experience an
               emotional journey.  Feel free to relate.

Suddenly, a DEAD BODY/FIGMENT OF HIS IMAGINATION named  DANIEL RADCLIFFE
washes up on the beach.

                               PAUL DANO
                 (shocked)
               Could this be?  A solution to my
               inescapable dilemma?

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
                 (farts)

                               PAUL DANO
               Welp, that was pretty funny, not much
               chance of seeing that again.

PAUL DANO ties a rope to DANIEL RADCLIFFE and rides him like a
flatulence powered jetski through the water.  But is it REALLY
HAPPENING?  Who can say?

Clearly, ART has no satisfying explanation.

INT.  CAVE

PAUL DANO drags DANIEL RADCLIFFE inside to take shelter from the rain.

                               PAUL DANO
               Huh, a phone.  How did that not get
               completely destroyed by the ocean hopping
               we just did?  We literally crossed an
               ocean to get here.  What is it, a Nokia?

PAUL DANO opens the phone to find a creepy pic of MARY ELIZABETH
WINSTEAD.

                               PAUL DANO
               My mom used to sing me this song every
               night but I somehow don't know the words. 
               Being stuck on an island does shit to you
               you could not believe.

PAUL DANO starts to sing a depressed lullabye and DANIEL RADCLIFFE stays
still, unnerved by his demented wails of poor songwriting.

To break the awkward tension, DANIEL RADCLIFFE releases a geyser of
ocean water into PAUL DANO's face with the force of the mighty ocean
tides.

                               PAUL DANO
               This is amazing, it seems like every
               feasable problem I could face will simply
               be solved by you!

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               Yep!  No survival challenges at all!  

                               PAUL DANO
               You can talk!  Corpse, you've got yourself
               a friend in me.

Warm fuzzies are exchanged.

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