Second Act: The Abridged Script

Jennifer really didn’t like to be rude, but Harriet the House Plant just would not take a hint and stop talking.


FADE IN:

INT.  DA BLOCK

Longtime assistant manager JENNIFER LOPEZ interviews for a manager's
position at SHMALL-MART.

                             JENNIFER LOPEZ
               As you can see, I have great relationships
               with our regulars, and this has helped me
               enhance our in-store experience and
               generate more revenue.

                              LARRY MILLER
               Very impressive.  Unfortunately, you don't
               have a college degree, so I'm afraid
               you're stuck nodding along with this MBA
               from Duke.

                           INSULT TO THE GOOD
                           NAME OF THE FUQUA
                           SCHOOL OF BUSINESS
               Client-driven synergy leverages core
               competencies and enables holistic
               integration.
                 (snorts a line of coke)

                             JENNIFER LOPEZ
               THAT'S what a college degree turns you
               into?  Well, maybe I should find a job
               somewhere that values my skills!

                              LARRY MILLER
               You probably won't until a giant pile of
               sheer blind luck lands in your lap.  This
               fleece vest and lanyard will be waiting
               for you when you come crawling back.

JENNIFER goes home to complain to her best friend, LEAH REMINI.

                             JENNIFER LOPEZ
               How DARE they hire someone who understands
               other aspects of this business beyond
               customer service?

                              LEAH REMINI
               Right?  But since my and my son Dalton's
               lives revolve completely around you, we've
               cooked up a zany scheme to carry us
               through the rest of the movie.

                             JENNIFER LOPEZ
               Does it have to be zany?

                              LEAH REMINI
               The guy who directed Nutty Professor
               II is responsible for this.  Of course
               it does.

INT.  THE CITY

JENNIFER is called in for an interview with TREAT WILLIAMS, president of
FLOCTER & ZAMBLE, and his top exec and daughter, VANESSA HUDGENS.

                             TREAT WILLIAMS
               I must say, I've never seen a more
               sparkling résumé than this.  Two Ivy
               League degrees, a Nobel Prize for Physics,
               a Stanley Cup, eight Razzie noms, AND you
               breed champion alpacas.  Where do you get
               your energy?

                             JENNIFER LOPEZ
                 (agape)
               Uh...  uh...  uh...

                             TREAT WILLIAMS
               Modest, too!  So, what do you think we
               could be doing differently?  

                             JENNIFER LOPEZ
                 (agape)
               Uh...  skin cream...  bullshit?

                             TREAT WILLIAMS
               What refreshing directness!  You're hired.

                            VANESSA HUDGENS
               Dad, if she was actually this
               fantastically super-awesome, we would have
               heard of her a long time ago.  Shouldn't
               we do some reference checks?

                             TREAT WILLIAMS
               Don't be silly, Vanessa.  Reference checks
               are the tool of spiteful British men, and
               we only have one of those.  She's in.

JENNIFER returns to DA BLOCK.

                             JENNIFER LOPEZ
               Dalton, exactly how zany WAS this scheme?

                             DALTON HARROD
               Pretty standard, actually.  I created a
               fake LinkedIn page that grossly inflates
               your credentials.  As in, it gives you
               some.  And just for good measure, I
               changed your name to one that makes you
               sound more talented and credible in your
               field.  From now on, you shall be known as
               "Gloria Estefan."

                             JENNIFER LOPEZ
               Harsh.

JENNIFER's boyfriend, MILO VENTIMIGLIA, enters.

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