Cliffhanger: The Abridged Script


Sly’s workout routine on the cave set really got extreme.


FADE IN:

EXT.  ROCKY (HEH!) MOUNTAINS 

SYLVESTER STALLONE climbs up a cliff without any ropes.  

                           SYLVESTER STALLONE
                 (flexing)
               Despite my wildly irresponsible antics,
               I’m actually a mountain rescue
               bro-fessional!  

Nearby, JANINE TURNER and RALPH WAITE take a helicopter like normal
people.

                             JANINE TURNER
               Hey Sly, I’m your girlfriend who’ll
               definitely do more than just support you
               and get kidnapped.

                              RALPH WAITE
               And I’m your lovably eccentric old
               partner.  You can count on me making it to
               the end of this thing!

                           SYLVESTER STALLONE
               ...sure.

SYLVESTER, JANINE, and RALPH find fellow Park Ranger MICHAEL ROOKER and
his girlfriend MICHELLE JOYNER stranded on a peak.

                            MICHELLE JOYNER
               Before you rescue us, let me shoehorn in a
               quick reference to you being in 'Nam that
               will completely justify you guys basically
               being Navy SEALs.  

                           SYLVESTER STALLONE
               You know, I’d love to help, but I need
               some emotional depth for my redemption
               arc.  So...

SYLVESTER DROPS MICHELLE!

                           SYLVESTER STALLONE
                 (winking)
               You might say she...didn’t have a firm
               grasp of the situation!  Sorry, my
               dialogue is 90% bad puns.

                             MICHAEL ROOKER
               I hate you now, Sly!  This is all your
               fault.

                             JANINE TURNER
               But Michelle didn’t know how to climb
               and Michael brought her up here in the
               first place so really --

                           SYLVESTER STALLONE
                 (blocking ears)
               La-la-la-la I said DEPTH, dammit.
                                                     EIGHT MONTHS LATER:

INT.  DENVER MINT 

Treasury agent REX LINN meets with his boss BRUCE MCGILL.

                                REX LINN
               Hi, I'm an asshole.  

                              BRUCE MCGILL
               Noted.  Now allow me to discuss our top
               secret plans in the middle of this crowded
               lobby.
                 (tweets vault codes)
               Somehow, terrorists have discovered the
               details of our transport operations.
                 (live-streams instructions for robbing
                 a plane)
               It’s anyone’s guess as to how. 
               Anyway, we think supervillain John Lithgow
               may try to rob you.
                 (holds press conference announcing
                 flight path)

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