Bumblebee: The Abridged Script

To Bumblebee all humans are basically just stray cats.


FADE IN:

INT.  CYBERTRON

FUCKING HUGE FUCKING ROBOTS are murdering THE FUCKING SHIT out of each
other but the GOOD MURDERBOTS are LOSING.

                            PETER CULLENBOT
               Oh no!  Where is our gimpiest solider
               Dylan O'Brienbot!  We can’t win this
               fight without him!

                            DYLAN O'BRIENBOT
                 (transforms from car form)
                 (decapitates Decepticon)
                 (uses severed head as a soccer ball to
                 hit another evilbot)

                            PETER CULLENBOT
               Holy shit, if you could do that like 5,000
               more times we might actually win this war!

                           DYLAN O’BRIENBOT
               Sorry, every fight after this I will get
               my metal ass unceremoniously stomped into
               jelly.

                            PETER CULLENBOT
               Hey, how come the editor isn’t cutting
               to a new shot every 0.06 seconds and the
               audience can easily follow what’s
               happening?  Did Michael Bay finally kick
               his cocaine habit?

                           DYLAN O’BRIENBOT
               No Bay’s been replaced with the guy who
               did Kubo.

                            PETER CULLENBOT
               Hallefuckinlujah this might actually be a
               not shitty Transformers movie!  Autobots
               fall back!  Dylan, I’m sending you to
               set up a base on a hidden planet known as
               Earth.

                           DYLAN O’BRIENBOT
               Wait we’ve never been there?  But
               didn’t I just transform into a car and
               aren’t half the Decepticons flying
               around as fighter jets?

                            PETER CULLENBOT
               That’s what we get for posting all our
               advanced vehicle designs on Reddit.  Now
               vamoos.

INT.  A FOREST ON EARTH - 1987 

The military is having a training exercise headed by JOHN CENA who is a
PRICK, but he cares about his soldiers so on the PRICK SCALE he’s
somewhere between SHIA LABEOUF and an alternate reality where SHIA
LABEOUF isn’t a RAGING PRICK.

                               JOHN CENA
               Shit!  My entire unit just got accidently
               fragged by Dylan O’Brienbot landing on
               either!  Quickly everyone, hunt him down
               with our giant jeep mounted harpoon guns! 
               Wait why do we have these?  The history
               books must have left out all the 15 foot
               tall Russians we fought in the cold war.

                           DYLAN O’BRIENBOT
                 (harpooned!)
               Argh!  You damaged my computer core!  Now
               I can’t save you from evil Decepticon
               Blitzwing on sale for $43.99 wherever toys
               are sold!

                               BLITZWING
                 (frags John Cena and his team!)
               Let us fight Dylan!  Wait I’m like 3
               times taller than you, I’m guessing you
               get no matches on Robo-Tinder.  Now tell
               me where your friends are!

                           DYLAN O’BRIENBOT
               I’ll never talk!

                               BLITZWING
               Then let’s make it official so it lines
               up with the canon!
                 (rips out Dylan’s voice box!)
               Wait how exactly am I supposed to get
               information out of you now?  I didn’t
               think this through.

                           DYLAN O’BRIENBOT
               Ha!  I stuck a missile in your chest and
               then blew you up!  Oh right, even though I
               lost my voice I will continue to speak in
               this script because fuck you it’s
               funnier.

DYLAN O’BRIENBOT has suffered too much ass kicking and his systems
begin to shut down!

Continue Reading Bumblebee: The Abridged Script…

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