By 10 p.m., the preachers from the Church of the Ugly Shirts were still refusing to get off Shane’s lawn.
FADE IN: INT. HIGH SCHOOL SHANE WEST meets with PRINCIPAL DAVID ANDREWS. PRINCIPAL DAVID ANDREWS Young man, we have had enough of your PG-rated version of teenage rebellion. Because you made a dorky kid jump into some water, the football team is no longer able to pants him and drag him along the track, which will ruin morale for the rest of the season. SHANE WEST Is that really why you're upset with me? Or is it because I'm raking in all the 17-year-old pussy you thought you'd rake in? PRINCIPAL DAVID ANDREWS Erm... well... The point is, you're going to hang out with your saintly classmate Mandy Moore for the next few weeks and-- SHANE WEST Turn her into the prom queen. PRINCIPAL DAVID ANDREWS What? No, SHE is going to turn YOU into a decent human being-- SHANE WEST WHILE I turn her into the prom queen and, in the process, feel bad about deceiving her. PRINCIPAL DAVID ANDREWS Look, this could easily be that kind of movie considering everyone in it is a teen comedy stock character, but we are playing this dead fucking straight, okay? We've been written by a man who has no sense of humor or irony and we just have to live with that. SHANE WEST Sure, kind of how you have to live with the fact that I'm raking in-- PRINCIPAL DAVID ANDREWS SHUT UP. SHANE leaves to sit on a BUS, sit in a CLASSROOM, sit in a CAR, and sit in a HOUSE with MANDY MOORE as they work on a SCHOOL PLAY that he doesn't care about. SHANE WEST I don't take you seriously. You're a goody two-shoes who can't dress. MANDY MOORE I don't take you seriously, either. You're an ABC family drama version of a bad boy who will end up assistant-managing a RadioShack if he's lucky. SHANE WEST ...Wow. I take you more seriously because I didn't make you cry. MANDY MOORE Well, there's #42 crossed off my bucket list: "Make Shane West take something seriously." SHANE WEST You're lucky you have an interest in astronomy and fairly decent snark capability. If you were actually one-dimensional, you wouldn't have a prayer. MANDY MOORE And there's #43: "Make Shane West pay me a compliment." At least, I think that was a compliment. SHANE's friends--bitchy ex-girlfriend LAUREN GERMAN, white douchebag CLAYNE CRAWFORD, and black comic relief AL THOMPSON--appear. SHANE WEST Nope. You suck. Go die in a church donation box. AL THOMPSON DAMN! SHANE's FRIENDS leave.